My mate Winston

[Rob]

He got arrested arrested the other day; they kept him on edge by serving him tea of varying standards.
It was a good cup, bad cup routine.
After mug shots he was eventually released on bail charged with being a tea leaf.

[linell]

Oh Rob that is so cheesy, have you got nothing really funny to add.

Linell.

[Rob]

No,that's it.

[dudleytaylor]

I thought it was funny Rob but i am easily pleased Dt

[Rob]

Now i have an audience what about this one?


A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road,"
Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous,"
says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
> .
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"What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!"

[mallosa]

that's what I call funny!

Well it made me laff Rob

[MarkCDodd]

Twas very funny young sir.

Time for a pun...

Mary Poppins arrived in India for a holiday.

Whilst booking into the hotel she asked the manager and others if here is any local attraction she needs to see.

They unanimously suggested she visit the local Holy Man who is famous for his wisdom.

The next morning she headed for the part of the village where the Holy Man lived and found a long line of people waiting to enter the small tent where he lived.

She noticed that the people leaving has a look of amazement on their faces and many had tears rolling down their faces. She though it would be worth a couple of hours of queuing to see him.

Finally it was her turn and she entered to tent to find a shriveled up old man sitting lotus position on the floor.

She noticed his hands were covered in bunions and calluses.

She also noticed his left leg and right arm were in new plaster as if he had recently broke them.

His skin was the most wrinkled she had ever seen and he appeared to be of tremendous age.

She sat opposite him and he said, "Welcome young one. Do you know who I am?"

Although his teeth were sparkling his breath almost made her gag and her eyes started to water.

Mary Poppins replied, "I do not know who you are. But I know what your are. You are a .....

















Super callused fragile mystic with extra halitosis."

[Antie Em]

Great - My grandson will love these

[dudleytaylor]

Liked both jokes ,very funny ! Dt

[mikleed]

About time we had jokes like those well done!......any Irish and Jewish ones ?

[Rob]

Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to the other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the Way home.'
'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home. 'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'

'I can't find a No. 91'
'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye tick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout!'

[MarkCDodd]

Two Irishmen are working hard.

One would dig a hole with shovel and then move a few meters up the road to start another.

The second Irishman would the proceed to fill up the recently dug hole with the excavated dirt.

An observer watched them as they spent all day working up one side of the street an then the other.

Although impressed with their energy and commitment, he could not figure out why they were doing it.

So he goes up and asks, "Could you please explain why you dig a hole only for your friend there to fill it in?"

"I suppose it would look odd today!" said one of the workers.

"Usually we work in threes but Paddy, the bloke who usually plants the trees after I have dug the hole, called in sick this morning."

[Antie Em]

I was right - Jonathan loved them - I've had to print them out for him to show his mates

[mikleed]

Well done you two !

[rockyfowler]

From the rule book


Pull up a pew, stick the kettle on get the biccies out
and those that you can dunk in a cuppa mind!...........and let's have a chinwag!

oh and sorry no Jokes in this section let's keep it family friendly!

Best RF